Ode to My Brother

Dear Mike,

K's obituary was published the other day. It talked of her college accomplishments, her recent jobs, a new found calling in a career of beekeeping with her dad and how much she loved her dog. The biggest impression left was her beautiful smile and how much fun she had in life. That is how everyone seems to remember her. Before your obituary was sent in it was a huge ordeal. I had no say in what was written but don't even remember anything but the argument surrounding what picture of you would be attached. At the time my favorite picture of you was the one of you working on the Christmas village house trying to fix it and you had long curly hair. It seemed to be the most recent picture we probably had of you but also the one that said the most about who you were. After reading K's obituary I'm sad that yours was so vague. I don't remember it saying anything about you, what you enjoyed doing, what you looked forward to, what your accomplishments were. So here's my ode to you, my oldest brother whom I dearly miss, and am privileged to remember fondly now while we celebrate your life rather than continue to endure the pain of your loss.

Michael Christopher Cullen was born September 28, 1971 and died November 17, 1995. He loved to read. He could read the fastest in our family which for some reason was a big deal. He was always taking something apart and creating new inventions. One time he made a hovercraft out of the purple "Miami Vice" hairdryer and a shoe box. It really worked too. Another time he took apart an old Xerox machine and the ink powder got everywhere. He was a skateboarder in a bicycling family. He could always be seen with his skateboard doing tricks or just getting around town. He was into graffiti style art, pen and ink drawing, silk screening and tie-dye but I think he finally settled on tie-dye. He once wrote a rap about the cops too. I wish I could hear him do it again. He even tried his hand at lip-syncing. He and his brother Matt did the song Rockin' Robin. It's the only moving picture of him that I know of so if you're reading this and you have a copy I'd love it. Although, I remember him looking rather awkward. He really enjoyed music but I only really remember stuff from the 80's. The Pet Shop Boys is probably what makes me think of him first. But, I know he also liked techno or whatever they played at the underground clubs or raves.

He had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've known. He cared so much for others, was willing to do most anything for anyone to help them and so often put the people he cared for first. He needed to put himself first more often. He had this incredible ability to persevere. He'd fall or fail but he'd pick himself back up and was immediately devising a new plan to make it happen, whatever "it" may have been. He spent so much time learning, researching, planning, and dreaming of the life he wanted to live. I can remember him staying up nights doodling and jotting things down in his notebooks. I so often thought to myself this time it will all work out for him. "By the time he's this age" I frequently thought.

Mike was also so well known for his grin. His friends called him "Grin". And as I recall his tagging said "Grin" too. As I write further I admittedly am writing based on what little I know. I realize I don't have all the details and that the topic may evoke a lot of feeling for some but I want to be honest about the Mike I knew. He enjoyed smoking pot. I imagine that if he ever had owned some land and lived a self sustainable life like he dreamt of he would have been growing pot too.

I'm sure I'm forgetting tons of stuff but I guess I've said what I'd like to. He's incredibly missed by his family and friends. I bet he has no idea how much, especially by me. I like to think he's our guardian angel. Fionn and I pray our guardian angel prayer and light the guardian angel candle each night and I think of him keeping watch over us.

So Mike, that's what I wanted to say. One thing I have realized as I wrote this, which has taken me a while, is that it's crazy how our experiences can taint our memories. I was so sure of how I remembered your obituary. But, since receiving it it from a librarian in Ventura I actually wonder if I had ever read it. It's not at all how I remember and the picture is the one I would have chosen. Not the one mom and I argued over. I'm putting a copy of the obituary in too.

Love,

Gabby

Skateboards 'n' Oregon

Dear Mike,

I was at Hood River with the family on the Fourth of July. We went to Rotary Skate Park that had a BMX track for Fionn to ride on. But really it was pretty much a skate park. Did they even have those when you were around? I don't remember them, but now they're cropping up everywhere. Fionn and I were sitting at the edge of a "punchbowl" watching this guy with long dreads test out a skateboard that was like a long board.

It was pretty awesome watching him move so smoothly round and round. After he'd finish a run he'd go back up and chat with his buddies giving feedback and bouncing ideas of ways to improve it back and forth. They kept at it. Before you knew it one of them would produce another board to try out. They were all pretty unique looking. I could totally see you being there, had you lived, with skateboard inventions of your own. That so would have been YOU. Later we were walking to the car to get something and these same guys were at the trunk of a car. One of them pulled out one hell of a skateboard something. It was like a skate board on a ski with a long leash and the Velcro part you'd imagine attaching to your wrist was really big like it must go around your waist. "Dude, I wasn't expecting this!" It seriously looked like something you'd come up with. It really got me thinking. Had you ever even been to Oregon, much less Portland? It seems like this would have been the place for you. All the outdoorsy stuff, the art, sustainable living. You would have been in your element surrounded by people who were just like you. You kinda seemed like a pioneer of sorts in LA. But your ever constant interest in inventing, skateboarding, pot, tie dye, and your dreams of living off the land would have been right at home here.

Love,

Gabby

P.S. You're heavy on my mind lately. R's cousin was murdered the other day. I am shocked that I would meet this circumstance more than once in my life. It and you are all I can think about. So I'm digging a patio and keeping my hands busy.