You know last year when your birthday was coming up I couldn't wait for it. Really, because it actually looked like I might accomplish what I had been hoping. A birthday to celebrate and honor you. I had attempted it the year before and we managed to do the dinner. We eat Mexican food because your first job was at Casa Burrito and we have chocolate eclairs for dessert because at least when we lived in Van Nuys that was your favorite dessert. I used to go with mom to the bakery. I can still see it in my head. Last year I got it together enough to do the tie dye too. I remember you enjoying it so much and so it's really the best thing we can do together in your memory. It was FANTASTIC. For one thing the recipe you left in that book was perfect. I managed to get the last ingredient and I just couldn't believe how great they turned out. They were so incredibly vibrant. And it was easy, even with young kids.
Soaking in soda ash solution.
Drying a bit.
Trying out the spiral pattern.
We each did our own.
After the dye application.
Isn't Fionn's awesome?!?!
This year feels different. I'm more tearful. Not sure why although I can think of several contributing factors. The trigger from R loosing her cousin in such a violent way, a classmate in high schools death, maybe even seeing that woman get hit by a car. But all I can think about is the art. The art I've kept in my head for what, 6 years now. I have to get it out. For you, for me. It's just scary. I'm afraid it won't turn out how I envision it. But I want to put it out there. I want to show my journey, even see it myself. I want to let go of the incredible pain some of it holds. That has to be it because when I look at some of it with my minds eye it brings back so many horrible memories. Some of it is quite beautiful though. That would be awesome to look at and enjoy. I hope this year I can make all that art from inside me.
Love,
Gabby
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