Dear Mike,
It's been 19 years and a day since you died. I didn't forget
yesterday, just busy with my life that is finally slowing down a little.
It's still sad.
Much love to you,
Gabby
Monday, November 17, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Time Flies
Dear Mike,
You would be 43 today. My life is like a whirlwind right now. I had wanted to share this day and celebrate your life with more family. I'm just happy I am able to carry on tradition this year with Fionnegan and Corrianna. Kerrigan is hard at work for the family in Portland and working on our house there. We are scrambling to finish it. We're making enchiladas and chocolate eclairs today, after we take care of the horses though. We talk about you. Fionn asks questions from time to time. He wants to bring you flowers. I was thinking that I'd bring him to your grave when I visit next, hopefully in December. Yesterday he told Corri that I might cry a few tears today. I have trouble imagining where you would be in our lives this past year. It seems like other times it's so obvious to me what you would have been doing, what your life would be like. It's been a year of tremendous change for everyone in the family. It's crazy really how it's happened all at once and none of the change... relocation, multiple big moves, home renovations, business ventures and job changes...have been quick or small. Probably much like the year we all had our first child.
You would be 43 today. My life is like a whirlwind right now. I had wanted to share this day and celebrate your life with more family. I'm just happy I am able to carry on tradition this year with Fionnegan and Corrianna. Kerrigan is hard at work for the family in Portland and working on our house there. We are scrambling to finish it. We're making enchiladas and chocolate eclairs today, after we take care of the horses though. We talk about you. Fionn asks questions from time to time. He wants to bring you flowers. I was thinking that I'd bring him to your grave when I visit next, hopefully in December. Yesterday he told Corri that I might cry a few tears today. I have trouble imagining where you would be in our lives this past year. It seems like other times it's so obvious to me what you would have been doing, what your life would be like. It's been a year of tremendous change for everyone in the family. It's crazy really how it's happened all at once and none of the change... relocation, multiple big moves, home renovations, business ventures and job changes...have been quick or small. Probably much like the year we all had our first child.
It's hard to believe we're nearing 20 years since you died. I've been
dreaming of a big celebration of your life in 2015...well, my own
celebration of it. An art installation, celebration, experience. A
travel through your life and my mind. It could be appreciated by anyone
and thought provoking to those that knew/know you and me.
I love you. I look for pieces of you in my life. I notice reminders of you out and about. I always think of you when I listen to Depeche Mode. I listened to them a lot on a recent drive to and from Portland. Loosing you was a mountainous loss but not one that defeated me. My heart will forever be broken open.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Gabby
I love you. I look for pieces of you in my life. I notice reminders of you out and about. I always think of you when I listen to Depeche Mode. I listened to them a lot on a recent drive to and from Portland. Loosing you was a mountainous loss but not one that defeated me. My heart will forever be broken open.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Gabby
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Love and Loss
Michael,
It's been 18 years since you died. Loosing you is my great sadness but I took my life back from the pain that stole it. I'm sad that you've missed soooo much of all of our lives and hope one day to share it all with you. A few months ago I came across this quote and I think it describes our relationship perfectly. "You can love completely, without complete understanding." ~ Norman Maclean Although, as I age I feel as though I understand you more and more.
With so much love,
Gabby
It's been 18 years since you died. Loosing you is my great sadness but I took my life back from the pain that stole it. I'm sad that you've missed soooo much of all of our lives and hope one day to share it all with you. A few months ago I came across this quote and I think it describes our relationship perfectly. "You can love completely, without complete understanding." ~ Norman Maclean Although, as I age I feel as though I understand you more and more.
With so much love,
Gabby
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Happy birthday, Mike!
You would have been 42 today. This year what I miss the most is the opportunity to have known you today. As I continue to grow and get to know myself as myself, a mom and a wife I feel like I would have had a lot in common with you. It seems like we would understand each other, both battling our demons and pursuing our goals in life. I feel lucky and proud to say that my my demons are loosing. I keep picking myself up and we've been making great strides moving forward. I have a wonderful family with Kerrigan, Fionnegan an Corrianna. You would love our kids. Fionn is glad to be named after you. It's all of our feast days tomorrow:) My goal this year is project completion both dreamt and started ones. A happiest of birthdays to you up in heaven.
Love,
Gabby
You would have been 42 today. This year what I miss the most is the opportunity to have known you today. As I continue to grow and get to know myself as myself, a mom and a wife I feel like I would have had a lot in common with you. It seems like we would understand each other, both battling our demons and pursuing our goals in life. I feel lucky and proud to say that my my demons are loosing. I keep picking myself up and we've been making great strides moving forward. I have a wonderful family with Kerrigan, Fionnegan an Corrianna. You would love our kids. Fionn is glad to be named after you. It's all of our feast days tomorrow:) My goal this year is project completion both dreamt and started ones. A happiest of birthdays to you up in heaven.
Love,
Gabby
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Uncle Mike, Can I Call You That?
Dear Mike,
When people ask me how many siblings I have, I say three brothers. Two older, one younger. And while you're not technically older than me and haven't been for some time now, you still feel like my older brother. I remember a long time ago, not too long after you died, I was talking to Andy about that. When someone asks you if you have any brothers and sisters, and if so how many or how old are they. You want to say the truth that you have three but that feels kind of weird because you have two alive and one dead. You could say three and leave it at that but that kind of feels like lying because you are withholding information. The thing is typically a person that asks you that question doesn't know you very well and you don't exactly want to say "my brother was killed" to someone you barely know. Honestly, now, it doesn't really bother me to divulge that information, although at has been quite some time since you died. But frankly, talking about how you died doesn't ruin my day anymore. Sometimes missing you does, or memories I have good or bad, but the bare facts surrounding your death I can handle.
But now, I'm older, I have kids of my own, and I think of you not only as my brother but also as Uncle Mike. Now, that feels weird. Like that's a lie. On a family tree it would be accurate. I consider you their Uncle Mike even though you've never met them. Or, maybe you have. I'm often convinced you must be Fionn's guardian angel. Even though they have never met you there is still a role you play in their life. I learn so much from you all the time. There is so much about you they can learn from and connect with. You would be a great uncle for them to have around. While I mostly see how you and Fionn would connect on so many levels I know as Corri gets older she too would make those connections. For one thing, she loves tie-dye as do Fionn, and Matthew.
So would you be their Uncle Mike, their guardian angel up in heaven, their angel on earth when their in need, would you please?
Love,
Gabby
P.S. I get to go visit you soon. I'm excited because I can't remember the last time I got to. I've wanted to for so long, but it's been hard to be able to. I want to do something special for you but haven't figured out what yet. I'll let you know what I decided.
When people ask me how many siblings I have, I say three brothers. Two older, one younger. And while you're not technically older than me and haven't been for some time now, you still feel like my older brother. I remember a long time ago, not too long after you died, I was talking to Andy about that. When someone asks you if you have any brothers and sisters, and if so how many or how old are they. You want to say the truth that you have three but that feels kind of weird because you have two alive and one dead. You could say three and leave it at that but that kind of feels like lying because you are withholding information. The thing is typically a person that asks you that question doesn't know you very well and you don't exactly want to say "my brother was killed" to someone you barely know. Honestly, now, it doesn't really bother me to divulge that information, although at has been quite some time since you died. But frankly, talking about how you died doesn't ruin my day anymore. Sometimes missing you does, or memories I have good or bad, but the bare facts surrounding your death I can handle.
But now, I'm older, I have kids of my own, and I think of you not only as my brother but also as Uncle Mike. Now, that feels weird. Like that's a lie. On a family tree it would be accurate. I consider you their Uncle Mike even though you've never met them. Or, maybe you have. I'm often convinced you must be Fionn's guardian angel. Even though they have never met you there is still a role you play in their life. I learn so much from you all the time. There is so much about you they can learn from and connect with. You would be a great uncle for them to have around. While I mostly see how you and Fionn would connect on so many levels I know as Corri gets older she too would make those connections. For one thing, she loves tie-dye as do Fionn, and Matthew.
So would you be their Uncle Mike, their guardian angel up in heaven, their angel on earth when their in need, would you please?
Love,
Gabby
P.S. I get to go visit you soon. I'm excited because I can't remember the last time I got to. I've wanted to for so long, but it's been hard to be able to. I want to do something special for you but haven't figured out what yet. I'll let you know what I decided.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
My Mind Runneth Over
Dear Mike,
I have been doing mindful therapy with our family therapist. While you have been dead for over 16 years I still get hit with these bouts of sadness. I used to call them crashes but I don't don't feel I crash anymore. I am still able to function just not at the full capacity I like to. I decided to give this different approach to therapy a shot since I hadn't tried and what is there to loose. Plus, I would like not to be continually hit with these bouts of sadness multiple times of year my whole life. Or I guess if I had to I would like to be able to function more fully and be more present for my family. When I have this bout of sadness my mind runneth over. It's overflowing with imagery, imagery I want to turn into art. Imagery full of powerful feelings and emotions. Some I don't even realize I have until I examine more closely. I have for years felt like something was wrong with me, like I'm crazy or something, because I get these pictures in my head. My therapist said she thought it was human. I thought otherwise because it was so dark. But I was thinking about it and I realized it isn't just then. I think it's when there is something I am passionate about that it happens. Like Fionn's school for instance. It's coming up against some significant change. Change I want to be apart of because I want to ensure there is a school for him to attend next year that he will thrive at. Since the announcement about the coming change that must take place for the school's survival I am again overflowing with ideas. I am passionate about Fionn having a school to attend that is a good fit for him and I'm passionate about serving our community.
I was talking to Mom the other day about this project I am working on and how Dad helped me solve a problem with figuring out how to make my idea happen. At a later time he mentioned to me about a project he was working on and how he accidentally invented a pinhole projector. He's working on all kinds of stuff in his mind and is frustrated because he needs more time to produce them. Matt has helped him figure some problems out with projects he was working on. I love the collaboration going on in the family. Then I realized it wasn't just me. Matt must have all this stuff bubbling away in his head. Remember his sketches? On napkins, paper, sketch books, whatever was around. His facebook timeline cover...classic Matt, pouring his brain full of stuff out into production. Then I realized you too, all of your lists and ideas. For a period of time I thought that part of you was something else but when you look at the whole picture of our family I'm convinced this is a family thing. Grandma Cullen had her concept about Chaucer's Canterbury Tales I think while in the bathtub. I don't know how long it was before she was free to work on it but I think it was years. Can you imagine how full her head must have been? Is this part of the creative temperament?
The other thing I discovered about myself was that this has been apart of me before you died. I have vivid memories of a pair of pants I was designing prior to your death. They were going to be the four elements...earth, water, air, and fire. I had fabric strips ready and colorful, shiny thread especially for the project. I remembered wearing the unfinished version to work when I went to talk to my boss after you had died but before you were buried. I never finished them. I remember living in Las Vegas planning this stained glass, lighted false ceilling of "our tree" (the tree Kerrigan and I would lay under in Santa Rosa). Later in Portland I was creating these branches wired for lit blossoms and leaves for show centerpieces, all in my head.
Here I've thought this was some messed up part of me and now I realize it was part of me from the very beginning of my life. My creative soul born.
Love,
Gabby
P.S. While I was writing this I realized even more. Like a full pot boiling with the lid on...at a point the contents just can't be contained any longer and they're boiling over. My feelings were spilling out all over my life.
I have been doing mindful therapy with our family therapist. While you have been dead for over 16 years I still get hit with these bouts of sadness. I used to call them crashes but I don't don't feel I crash anymore. I am still able to function just not at the full capacity I like to. I decided to give this different approach to therapy a shot since I hadn't tried and what is there to loose. Plus, I would like not to be continually hit with these bouts of sadness multiple times of year my whole life. Or I guess if I had to I would like to be able to function more fully and be more present for my family. When I have this bout of sadness my mind runneth over. It's overflowing with imagery, imagery I want to turn into art. Imagery full of powerful feelings and emotions. Some I don't even realize I have until I examine more closely. I have for years felt like something was wrong with me, like I'm crazy or something, because I get these pictures in my head. My therapist said she thought it was human. I thought otherwise because it was so dark. But I was thinking about it and I realized it isn't just then. I think it's when there is something I am passionate about that it happens. Like Fionn's school for instance. It's coming up against some significant change. Change I want to be apart of because I want to ensure there is a school for him to attend next year that he will thrive at. Since the announcement about the coming change that must take place for the school's survival I am again overflowing with ideas. I am passionate about Fionn having a school to attend that is a good fit for him and I'm passionate about serving our community.
I was talking to Mom the other day about this project I am working on and how Dad helped me solve a problem with figuring out how to make my idea happen. At a later time he mentioned to me about a project he was working on and how he accidentally invented a pinhole projector. He's working on all kinds of stuff in his mind and is frustrated because he needs more time to produce them. Matt has helped him figure some problems out with projects he was working on. I love the collaboration going on in the family. Then I realized it wasn't just me. Matt must have all this stuff bubbling away in his head. Remember his sketches? On napkins, paper, sketch books, whatever was around. His facebook timeline cover...classic Matt, pouring his brain full of stuff out into production. Then I realized you too, all of your lists and ideas. For a period of time I thought that part of you was something else but when you look at the whole picture of our family I'm convinced this is a family thing. Grandma Cullen had her concept about Chaucer's Canterbury Tales I think while in the bathtub. I don't know how long it was before she was free to work on it but I think it was years. Can you imagine how full her head must have been? Is this part of the creative temperament?
The other thing I discovered about myself was that this has been apart of me before you died. I have vivid memories of a pair of pants I was designing prior to your death. They were going to be the four elements...earth, water, air, and fire. I had fabric strips ready and colorful, shiny thread especially for the project. I remembered wearing the unfinished version to work when I went to talk to my boss after you had died but before you were buried. I never finished them. I remember living in Las Vegas planning this stained glass, lighted false ceilling of "our tree" (the tree Kerrigan and I would lay under in Santa Rosa). Later in Portland I was creating these branches wired for lit blossoms and leaves for show centerpieces, all in my head.
Here I've thought this was some messed up part of me and now I realize it was part of me from the very beginning of my life. My creative soul born.
Love,
Gabby
P.S. While I was writing this I realized even more. Like a full pot boiling with the lid on...at a point the contents just can't be contained any longer and they're boiling over. My feelings were spilling out all over my life.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I Bought Fionn a Nerf Gun
Dear Mike,
I never thought I'd do it but I bought Fionn a Nerf gun. I have been 100% anti-gun since you died. I don't know what I was before but I was totally ANTI-gun after. When we were going through the process of checking this school out for Fionn, attending Free School 101, applying, interviewing, attending experience days and then deciding to give it a shot I was aware I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone if he was going to attend the school that seemed to be the best fit for him. I learned that in the current culture of the school a popular game was zombies and the kids used toy guns with no ammunition. They had rules about playing with guns...you can only point at someone if it's okay with them and there was no use of ammunition ie. suction darts, or other foam bullet type things. I actually thought the rules were reasonable. I also recognized that my extreme sensitivity to guns was because of my personal experience, not Fionn's or probably anyone else's at the school. I didn't think it was fair for him to miss out on a potential wonderful, perfect for him opportunity because I was hypersensitive. So, I decided to be okay with him playing guns at school according to the rules and maintaining out rules at home. At home there is no pointing guns (or gun like gestures or things) at people.
But just the other day I saw we may have to enter a new level. Fionn has adjusted well at school and while it has taken some time, probably do to his infrequent attendance, he has made some real connections at school and has a few friends. He was invited to a birthday party. It's a Nerf Gun War theme...bring your own Nerf guns and ammunition. Playing with Nerf guns and no ammunition is one of his favorite things to do at school with friends. I wanted him to be able to attend and participate with the others. I want him to feel like he belongs. So I bought him a Nerf suction dart gun and he'll have one to use at the party.
Afterwards, I still couldn't believe I did it. ME...buy him a toy gun. I'm okay with it though. I recently told him how you died. I didn't go into much detail but he knew you were shot with a gun. He was sad for me...that my brother had died. I left it at that. But, I think it's important too for anyone playing with toy guns to know that real guns DO kill people.
I am still anti-gun. No one will will ever convince me that it's a good idea to carry a gun or keep a gun at home. I will never be comfortable around guns. I will never cross the line into supporting guns for sport for my family. But, I can support my kids playing toy guns with friends within the parameters we've agreed on. And most of all, I can support their having and experiencing wonderful opportunities in this world despite my hyper-sensitivity. So, while I realize some may feel guns for sport or protection might be a wonderful experience, I also know it might not be too and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
Love,
Gabby
I never thought I'd do it but I bought Fionn a Nerf gun. I have been 100% anti-gun since you died. I don't know what I was before but I was totally ANTI-gun after. When we were going through the process of checking this school out for Fionn, attending Free School 101, applying, interviewing, attending experience days and then deciding to give it a shot I was aware I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone if he was going to attend the school that seemed to be the best fit for him. I learned that in the current culture of the school a popular game was zombies and the kids used toy guns with no ammunition. They had rules about playing with guns...you can only point at someone if it's okay with them and there was no use of ammunition ie. suction darts, or other foam bullet type things. I actually thought the rules were reasonable. I also recognized that my extreme sensitivity to guns was because of my personal experience, not Fionn's or probably anyone else's at the school. I didn't think it was fair for him to miss out on a potential wonderful, perfect for him opportunity because I was hypersensitive. So, I decided to be okay with him playing guns at school according to the rules and maintaining out rules at home. At home there is no pointing guns (or gun like gestures or things) at people.
But just the other day I saw we may have to enter a new level. Fionn has adjusted well at school and while it has taken some time, probably do to his infrequent attendance, he has made some real connections at school and has a few friends. He was invited to a birthday party. It's a Nerf Gun War theme...bring your own Nerf guns and ammunition. Playing with Nerf guns and no ammunition is one of his favorite things to do at school with friends. I wanted him to be able to attend and participate with the others. I want him to feel like he belongs. So I bought him a Nerf suction dart gun and he'll have one to use at the party.
Afterwards, I still couldn't believe I did it. ME...buy him a toy gun. I'm okay with it though. I recently told him how you died. I didn't go into much detail but he knew you were shot with a gun. He was sad for me...that my brother had died. I left it at that. But, I think it's important too for anyone playing with toy guns to know that real guns DO kill people.
I am still anti-gun. No one will will ever convince me that it's a good idea to carry a gun or keep a gun at home. I will never be comfortable around guns. I will never cross the line into supporting guns for sport for my family. But, I can support my kids playing toy guns with friends within the parameters we've agreed on. And most of all, I can support their having and experiencing wonderful opportunities in this world despite my hyper-sensitivity. So, while I realize some may feel guns for sport or protection might be a wonderful experience, I also know it might not be too and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
Love,
Gabby
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